I went to a "haunted house" on Halloween, which is a big step for me because I normally don't venture into them. I don't care too much for scary movies either. This one was much different however, as it was held at a church. This wasn't an actual haunted house but in fact a "hell house." If you're unfamiliar with what a hell house is, consider yourself lucky.
Before I describe my "evening in hell" if you will, I want to point out that the church that put on this production is part of a small, fringe sect of Christianity. In my experience, (almost 30 years as a believer), I can tell you, this is not at all how most Christians view the world, or at the very least they would be appalled at the methods used to "preach the gospel" at this event.
I was among the first to arrive, as I had been anticipating this event for a couple of weeks. There weren't many people waiting and I felt a bit awkward as no one from the church welcomed me. As I approached the line, I noticed something quite strange. The sign on the building, the church's sign, the one that tells you, "Hi I'm a church!" was completely covered by a black plastic covering. Wait...a church...that wants to hide the fact that it's a church? Even if it's just for that particular event, that's pretty deceitful. Apparently the verses of Matthew 10:32-33 were conveniently discarded that evening- 32"Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. 33 But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven." Now, I realize they weren't "denying Christ before men" but trying to cover up the fact that you're a church maybe borders on that denial just a bit?
People eventually began to show up and those in line were divided up into groups of 8. Our group was then shuffled very quickly into a small dark room where an over processed demonic sounding voice read us the rules of this hell house. (no refunds, no touching the actors etc) From there we were led into a larger pitch black room and unto a circular platform that rose a few feet above the floor. (I should mention that throughout the entire experience, whenever a scene was over and we would change rooms, we were yelled at and told to move quickly, almost as if we were part of some military drill. ) Beneath the platform were some chains and a pentagram drawn on the floor. In the corner, a reddish-orange light illuminated a dark throne. Seated on the throne was a character that I assume was meant to be Satan. He proceeded to "initiate" a man who had recently pledged his allegiance to the dark lord. In order to prove said allegiance, the man was commanded to "offer a sacrifice." At this point, the darkened room was accosted by an intense strobe light. A woman could now be seen sprawled out and bound in chains on top of the pentagram beneath us. She writhed and screamed, desperately trying to escape her fate of becoming a satanic offering via human sacrifice. The screaming continued as the newly initiated devil worshiper prepared to commit murder. The room darkened, followed by demonic laughter. End scene. I took a deep breath and shuddered as we entered the next room.
If I describe each scene in morbid detail, we'll be here all night and I've got studying to do so...I will attempt a brief synopsis instead. (quick side note-we were led from room to room by a host who was quite dapper-ly dressed as a demon in a suit and tie. He was fond of dark sarcasm and closed each scene with a morbid remark.)
Room 2- We see a very young single mother who can't support her newborn and is deeply depressed by the departure of the baby's father. She is then convinced by a demonic voice in her head to brutally stab her child to death. After she commits this horrible act, she turns her rage to the audience, yelling, "look what I've done! I've killed my baby!" The demonic voice convinces her to end it all, and she is handed a firearm by the demon host. A few seconds later, POP! End scene...another deep breath, another shudder. Please understand I'm not downplaying suicide or mental illness here, but the idea that every young mother who has a child out of wedlock will end up killing her baby and herself is positively ludicrous.
Room 3- A young woman is hacked to death by a man she meets on the internet. The message here seemed to be- sign up on Plenty of Fish and soon you'll be swimming with the fishes. Yeah, because no woman who went on a date with a man she just met was ever murdered by him prior to online chat rooms or Match.com.
Room 4- A young girl from a broken home is yelled at by her mother and abusive father. Mom and Dad leave the room, and we hear our friend , Mr. over processed demon voice tell the girl to kill herself. She is then handed a bottle of pills by our ever so gracious and always helpful demon host.
Room 5- The most unscientific and medically inaccurate portrayal of an abortion I have ever been subjected to. In the interest of full disclosure, I have never set foot in a women's health clinic such as Planned Parenthood before. But I'm pretty sure they aren't decorated like a scene from the movie Saw. Body parts hanging on a clothes line, blood all over the floor and what appeared to be instruments of medieval torture lying on a table. And I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure a fetus is not able to cry out to it's mother in plain, perfect English, begging her not to go through with the procedure and screaming "I love you mommy." Fucking ignorant and disturbing if you ask me. But then again, what part of this tour hasn't been?
Room 6- "Hell"
The 8 of us are once again yelled at and rushed into the room where the last scene is played out. We are directed onto another raised platform, this one running in a semi-circle from one end of the room to another. The entire room is dimly lit with a reddish-orange glow, similar to the one from the first scene. Actors dressed as demons and using distorted voices begin to torment the characters from all the previous scenes who are now in hell. The torment continues for a few minutes until a demon that I am guessing is meant to be Satan, appears on the scene. He gives some speech about bad choices I imagine, because I can't really understand what the hell he is saying. The parts I do catch are his bigoted anti-LGBT remarks made while tormenting a young gay man who apparently "died in his sin" and will now burn forever because of who he loved. The homophobic master of hell mockingly repeats "Love wins" in between bouts of demonic laughter. Meanwhile I resist the urge to Hitchslap the fucker into the proverbial 7th circle.
Final room- Turn or burn
As I decide to avoid jail by not kicking "Satan's" Westboro ass, we are led into a small plainly lit room, much like that of a typical Sunday school room. It is there that we are told by a pastor (and I'm paraphrasing) "our goal here is not to scare you but to show you reality." Excuse me??? Reality?? Hardly my friend. Your goal was to lead people here under false pretenses, scare and disturb them through vile, albeit unrealistic depictions of heinous acts, all in an attempt to FRIGHTEN them into accepting Jesus Christ as lord. Sure sounds loving doesn't it? Sign me right up.
Maybe they forgot about this verse too-
Phillipians 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Maybe the church that hosted this fear-porn freak show should adopt these words as their creed-
"I will show you, all that I have mastered
Fear. Pain. Hatred. Power!
This is the art of ruin."
Excerpt from "Ruin" by Lamb of God
Video here
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